Ma...

Another Mother's Day passes by,and the answer to my brother's yearly question over the phone remains the same...
bro: Hey,did you get her something?
me: I don't need a day to celebrate our bond..!!Nope,no gifts..!

What got me thinking this time,was a mocking chant in my head that found voice right after the phone conversation..
I could probably count the number of times I would've told her I loved her.
For someone who is called the queen of melodrama,when it comes to expressing my love for her I find myself to be surprisingly inept.There is,of course the every morning goodbye kiss before I leave to college,but now it seems to be more out of habit than anything else...

In our relationship,its only take take and take more...there is no balance,there is no reverse equation,there is no acknowledgment.From my side,its selfish love.I never feel the need to tell her...
"Whats the point?Of course she knows I love her!She means the world to me,and I will always be there for her..I mean which daughter wouldn't?"

She is the epitome of selfless,unconditional,sacrificial love..The kind we dream for from our life partners.Funny we don't consciously appreciate the fact that we already have it in all its abundance and glory.
I've always taken her for granted and never felt the need to work on our bond..all I had to do to make her love me was spend nine months in her womb,and there you go,my job's done!
I will fight her when she refuses to go along with my impulsive desires,
I will make a fuss,shed tears and blame her when she points out my mistakes,
I will prefer an impersonal hamburger from McDonald's to her lovingly made crisp and hot pakodas,
I will stubbornly refuse to train my voice just because it is her dream to see me become an accomplished singer,
I will realize all that I have done and yet find it hard to own up to it and apologize because I know she loves me anyway,
I will finish writing this post and yet think twice about letting her read it..

Oh but I love her so!
The sight of her worried face after a long day in college is like a glimpse of sunlight between large,ominous gray clouds..
Her encompassing hug is like a shield against the big bad world..
The smile in those tender eyes is like experiencing a free fall,so much love,so much concern,so much joy for all your little achievements...her love knows no boundaries,no commas and absolutely no limit.

As I begin to recollect all the cherished moments I've spent with her,I decide to do my very best to be a better daughter..I know I can never repay even a fourth of her contributions to my personality,my character and my life in general,but I promise to take her to the day when she can look back and proudly tell the world,that she is my mother.

As random as it can get...

Ironical that I should return to this,the land of my best friend on the 8th of April.I wonder why this day makes me feel so alone and lost,so empty and worthless and so..not me.
That's been the approximate summation of my day today,and seeing that I haven't used these words before in any of the wonderful days that made up my 18th year...its not surprising that I'm back to visit my old friend.
I see my last post and finally,maybe accurately (is that what they call an oxymoron?) attribute the cause of this loneliness to the date.Its never going to leave me alone I suppose,I'm subconsciously going to relive it every year..but hey!That's alright.I've learnt a lot over the past year that will help me deal with it :
I've learnt to adjust and accept.
I've learnt to channelize my emotions and let the happy times take over.
I've learnt to give unconditionally.
I've learnt to revel in the glorious feeling that it gives me in return.
I've learnt to control that dreadful temper of mine.
I've learnt to apologize if and when I lose it and to erase that all-controlling 3 letter word.
I've learnt to forgive and forget.
I've learnt to to be humble and modest.
I've learnt to delete all the bitterness from the past.
I've learnt to laugh and find joy in all the little mundane activities of the world.

And errr....





*Conditions apply*

I didn't believe in God,until...

Tuesday,
April 8th,
1997.

2:15 am:

I suddenly sat up on my bed, my sweat glands were performing at their peak...My heartbeat had increased ten fold. I was plunged in darkness, millions of questions sprang up each screaming out to be answered.... But most of all-I was afraid. I felt a cold chill surrounding me, taking over the humid heat of that summer night,
Grandmamma was to be admitted into the hospital the next day.
My sweet, beautiful, dearest grandma. The love of my life. My support, my best friend, my library to those good old fables and the best cook in the whole wide world. I still remember how the feeling of those warm hands on my own and a look into those reassuring eyes used to give me all the strength and confidence I needed to face the world. How that beautiful smile on her face made me light up with joy even amidst tears.How I used to yearn to get into her arms,after school during the weekends,ready to travel across 20 km in Mumbai’s heavy traffic.Those mangoes she used to order in the summers specially for us and watch us devouring them one after another with that twinkle in her eyes.
She was so much,and much more.
I miss you grandma.A lot.
And it pains to think that maybe it was because of me, atleast partly because of me, that you left me forever and journeyed to that distant land, so very out of my reach.

She was suffering from the malfunctioning of her kidneys,both of them were only 30% efficient,and she was being admitted to take care of it.Seemed too simple to me then,I hadn’t seen her suffer much,nor had she for that matter ever been in too much pain.
I was wrong, there was much more to it. The signs said it all. Our phone went dead two days prior to that day and my mother was forced to forget about their 2 hour long routine nightly conversations on the phone.
Grandma looked ill the last time I’d met her,she was dealing with a stomach ache and an appetite loss.
But who would’ve known?No one did,except me.

That very night,April 8th 1997-2:15 am.I awoke with a start and dissolved into ceaseless tears.They kept coming,they refused to stop and that voice was still talking to me,asking me to take it seriously.It could do anything it wanted to,it said.
“Just go away,I never want to talk to you again.”,I said,fiercely.
“Think over all that I said,my dear,and trust me on it.You don’t really have a choice.You’re going to remember our little rendezvous for the rest of our lives”,the voice said.

And then I went back.
Stop.Rewind.Play.

I was dreaming about my grandmother, slightly worried about the weak look on her face the last time I’d been there. I was overjoyed when I realized that my Annual exams would end the next day and that I’d be going back to her for the summer.
“I’ll take good care of her”, I said to myself.
And then I heard him for the first time.
“Oh no you won’t”, it said. It was a very soothing voice, almost like…that someone was smiling.
All he kept saying was, “Stop thinking about your grandmother,or she’ll die”
These words kept repeating themselves as I continued to ignore the voice and think about her.
He said I was being naughty,he said I was being heartless.He said many things,but I didn’t take notice.
And then the voice changed,it became cold,it chilled me when with a note of finality he said “She will die,soon”.

And that was that,I cried with my voice and my parents woke up..I told them everything,and yes of course,just like you they thought I’d gone insane.
“You’re just imagining it”,they said.”Paati’s going to be fine”.
And then I was put back to sleep.

I awoke with the sound of mother yanking the door open in the early hours of the morning.She’d had a call.It was the news I’d feared.

My grandmother had died of a heart attack,that night.
All because of me.I’m a murderess,I’m a witch.I’m the naughty girl who never listened to him.
Who was he?
God?

Ash-Abhi wedding: yo hoooo!!I soooo wanna know what's happening?

Why does every freakin' news channel I switch on to these days have this as the major headline?
Talk about their wedding's been on right since their engagement and frankly its getting on my nerves..I'm gonna have an attack pretty soon...!

FLASH NEWS:

"Karan Johar scripted the sangeet show"
"The Rai family danced to a song from 'Virasat' "
"Neeta Lulla designs Ash's mehendi choli "
"15 kg of Mehendi has been ordered in from Sajot In Rajasthan"
"Ash touched Abhi's feet during the Sangeet ceremony"...and so on and so forth and blah,that must tell you just HOW many times I've come across all this today!!

Tell us when she laughs,tell us when she sneezes,tell us when she blinks her eyelids....oh yeah you will STILL have people hanging on to all that small bit of information!

And what did I find on the news yesterday?Its for all you people who missed catching that 'question of the day' on Headlines Today,I don't think its fair to get yourself spared from it,I stood it..and I'm gonna make you stand it too! :P

"Will Ash being a manglik affect the Ash-Abhi wedding?"

Poll results :
Yes - 58%
No - 41%

For the jobless people who replied to that poll....here's a piece of advice...Get a Life!

Why are celebrity weddings given so much attention to?I'm a big Bollywood buff too,but I'm not really for this intrusion into their private life..Imagine media people and reporters thronging your wedding hall,photographers clicking in a mad rush without a second's waste and an insane crowd comprising of 3000 odd people going crazy to get in!
May sound really entertaining to some,being noticed and sought after and all that,but the point is..I just don't get it!!

Pearls that make the string..

Let me introduce you to some of these pearls I've collected while travelling through the journey of life... They've come together beautifully and now make up my most prized possession.I guard these string of pearls day and night as they're my greatest support to life.

Ru - Sweet,thoughtful,caring debanjana a.k.a ru defines the term 'best friend'.She's the queen of those pearls,sparkling bright and colourful. There've been so many unfeeling and witchy people trying to take her away from me,trying to bring in discord but she's stood the test of fire.She's my greatest strength and ironically my greatest weakness too(Now you know where to attack!)

Vishwatha: Bold,outright,expressive vish is an inseperable member of the 'Clan'.She's this beautiful pearl,reflecting dazzling colours not only in sunlight,but is always bright even in darkness.
Sometimes she's just like me - fierce temper coupled with a slowly suppressing ego,daringly outspoken and dreaming to make it big.Known her for almost 9 years now,and I only wish we remain the same for all the years to come.

Swetha: Cute,giggly,miss.'proper' is a staunch ally in times of boredom,A genius at cracking pj's(oh yes she does beat me at them sometimes!),she's funny just being herself.

Namita:The story takes a slightly different turn,this pearl hung dangerously loose from the string for quite sometime..I guess things can't just go right always can they?Fights do come in,but what hurts most is they kill the bond like it can never be mended again.Sigh,slice of life!

Ashokha: She's the partner in crime,the rebel,the other side of me!Frank with what's on her mind,there's no room for fights,its been a smooth sail until now,wonderful winds guiding us the right way,and I'm sure that with things going the way they are-we're gonna tackle any storm coming our way!

Neharica: Bubbly and confused neha...is someone to whom I mean the world,or so I've heard her telling me like a bazillion times!I'm her best friend and she admits it without any hassles..She's fun,she's crazy,she's open..relationship troubles woo her and I'm the adviser in times of trouble.

Raja: Brother,first best friend,the person who drove me nuts and made me come out of my shell and be the real ME.If not for him,I would've been quite lost..Still the best pal ever,my punchbag and the 'dustbin' who eats all the stuff I don't want or like! :P

Nitish: The friend who's become so close,despite being like 200 km away.He's driven most of my secrets out of me,and is so easy to talk to,you forget about being sad.

Noor: The fastest friend I ever made,and that too-online!Fast,spirited and energetic she always gets me back on my feet when I'm down or feeling low..There's no getting bored being around her!

Rohit: Oh yeah,another long distant online friend who's been great to talk to.Its funny how us VOYers share more or less the same wavelength,I'm always yapping about daily happenings,and he never even gets bugged (or so he says at least :P)

Ashok: Idealist,thinker,inspirer..He's the guy who makes our mouth open wide in wonder.Founder of A2I,this guy is gonna make it big!




*More of the pearls will follow later or I'll lose my readers! *

Star struck...Ugh those childhood celebrity crushes!

I've always wondered how movies,especially those 'chocolate boy loves girl-girl's dad says no-true love wins in the end' ones have such a huge response.Its the same trash year after year-different faces,different music,different locales..but the same damned content!

And the stars-the fan following they have,primarily from the kids is so humungous its mind boggling!

So here you go,lets substantiate that.


Excerpts from a diary entry of an 8 year old Sharanya,just after she got back from watching the then errr.... 'mega blockbuster'-Kuch Kuch Hota Hai :-

Dear Diary,

                      I hereby declare that kuch... is THE best movie I've ever watched,and SRK's THE best actor ever!!!Omg just Look at him!!*swoon*


                                                Shah Rukh Khan
                                                Sharanya Iyer
                                                Sharanya Iyer Khan?
                                                Sharanya Khan?
                                                Sharanya Shah Rukh Khan?
                                               
                        *But Its already Gowri Khan!*

                  Shah Rukh minus Gowri=Sharanya Shah Rukh Khan?
                                               Shahrukh Iyer

                                           

        Ok...I've totally lost it.







*Burns the diary!*